Published On: Thu, Apr 27th, 2017

Noxious Fish No! Noxious Fishermen Yes! A light hearted look at other anglers

Noxious Fish No! Noxious Fishermen Yes!

Coarse fishing. Noxious Fish No! Noxious Fishermen Yes!I thought it would be a good idea to take a light-hearted look at some of the more noxious fishermen whom we encounter on our fishing expeditions.

1. The Latecomer (nil tempus fugit)

We have all experienced the Late-comer. He never turns up on time for anything! We daydream all week long about the swim that we look forward to fishing the coming weekend. So we arrange to meet the Latecomer at 5 am on the designated day. I lie in bed tossing and turning all night, worrying that I might oversleep, finally getting up at the unearthly hour of 4 o’clock. Excitement mounts as l think of getting to my favourite swim early. Ten minutes to five and my gear is packed and l am ready to set off in the car. Now it’s just a few minutes till we leave (some hope!). It is ten minutes past five and the Latecomer hasn’t turned up.

I can’t ring him at home as l don’t want to get his “better half” in a bad mood by disturbing her at this early hour. Twenty minutes past five, and there is still no sign of the Latecomer. Five forty-five, and l hear his car pulling up outside the house. A knock on the door and there he is, apologising for being late. Something about car problems (no petrol in the car). l load his fishing gear into my car and we finally set off to our destination. On the road at last! l bet the fish are just starting to bite.
The Latecomer now asks in a quiet voice if you would not mind stopping at the next shopping centre as he wants to get some cash from the money machine. We stop, get the money, set off again. In a quieter voice, he asks if you wouldn’t mind stopping at the twenty-four-hour garage down the road so he can buy something to eat for his breakfast. He didn’t have time to get anything to eat before leaving home. Not enough time!

Twenty minutes later we turn up at the water’s edge. Unpack everything and set off towards the object of my desire, my favourite swim. Just in time to see another club member walking into it and dropping his fishing gear on to the bank side. By this time you are ready to boil over. The Latecomer casually mentions that next time maybe we should set off for fishing a big earlier.

The only known cure for the Latecomer is never to wait for him. At the agreed appointed hour, get in the car and set off. l actually did this once, and two and a half hours later the Latecomer turned up and asked where had l got to. After a couple of times of my leaving on time, it became the perfect cure. Till next time!

The only known cure for the Latecomer is never to wait for him. At the agreed appointed hour, get in the car and set off. l actually did this once, and two and a half hours later the Latecomer turned up and asked where had l got to. After a couple of times of my leaving on time, it became the perfect cure. Till next time!

The only known cure for the Latecomer is never to wait for him. At the agreed appointed hour, get in the car and set off. l actually did this once, and two and a half hours later the Latecomer turned up and asked where had l got to. After a couple of times of my leaving on time, it became the perfect cure. Till next time!

2. The Bait Burglar (baitus absentius)

The Bait Burglar is someone we all have experienced at some time, whilst out enjoying coarse fishing. You are settled into a nice comfortable and quiet swim. A tap on the shoulder and it’s the Bait Burglar. He enquires sheepishly if you have any spare ground bait. You have spent hours the night before mixing your special concoction of bread, cereals and flavourings, getting it just right for fishing. He has been down the pub telling everyone what he’s going to catch the following day. However, you are a kind-hearted sort of chap so you give him half of your ground bait. He wanders off happily. You get on with setting up your tackle.

You are startled by another tap on the shoulder. It’s the Bait Burglar again, wanting to know if you have got any spare worms. Your blood pressure rises, but you give him half your hard earned worms. He doesn’t realise that you have to dig them up. He thinks they grow on trees! Finally, at last, you cast into the water. The float settles nicely, just the tip showing. A few minutes later it slips gracefully under the water, you strike, and a lovely five-pound tench comes into the landing net. You unhook the fish, admire it and return it to the water. Your nervous system is then well and truly stretched to its limit with another tap on your shoulder.

“What bait did you use to catch that?” the Bait Burglar asks.

You answer “Maggots.” This time he does not ask if you have any spare bait. He knows you are still a kind-hearted sort of chap. So he dives straight into your maggot tin, picks out the biggest and juiciest and toddles off back to his swim thinking how lucky he is to have a friend like you. The cure for “baitus absentius” is just to take a small amount of bait. We are all prepared to help each other out, but with the Bait Burglar, he must be taught to bring his own. When he realises that you haven’t enough to share around he soon disappears, and should not bother you again. If he does, tell him you are fishing with trevally!

3. The Poacher (swimus landus sharkus)

One of the most annoying people is the Poacher. He may be fishing a lovely swim further down the river, but if your float goes down and you catch a fish, he will do anything to get a cast into your swim. Do not, repeat, do not let him in. Because as soon as you do, there will be several poachers in your swim and it will look like the Rakaia River mouth when the salmon are running!

l well remember a couple of seasons ago when I was catching quite a few fish in one of my favourite spots. I suddenly heard the cracking of branches above my head. l looked up and there was the Poacher trying to get his line and float into the water next to mine. He asks if you don’t mind him fishing your swim.

“Yes, I do bloody well mind ” you fire back.

“Go and sort your own swim out”, or words to that effect.

4. The Expert (biggus headus)

The Expert turns up fishing the swim next to you. You can tell he’s an expert because he’s given all his worms individual names. When you are settled into your swim and tackled up ready to start, he casually wanders over and suggests you are using the wrong bait. The last time he fished in this swim he used a different bait. Then he advises that you are fishing with the wrong type of float.

The last time he fished this …… .. etc.

Then you are fishing too close to the water’s edge. The last time …… .. etc.

Then you are fishing too close to the water’s edge. The last time …… .. etc.

You finish up dreading getting a bite with him standing behind you, watching your every move, even if you get a bite you are sure to miss it. “Struck too soon,” comes a voice from behind. l usually at this point, put my rod in the rod rest and pretend to fall asleep. This is actually not too difficult with the Expert going on and on. He can be guaranteed to turn up at club meetings and suggest we should do all sorts of jobs. However, when the time finally comes for a bit of weed clearing in the swims, he always seems to be busy doing something elsewhere. The next day, sure enough, you will find him back fishing in the swim you’ve cleared the day previous.

Did you recognise any of the noxious fishermen we’ve mentioned? Well, l must finish this article as I’ve got to get ready for fishing tomorrow. l must try and be up in time. Still, John doesn’t mind waiting. That reminds me, I haven’t any bait. John won’t mind if I pinch some of his. l hope l get that nice swim. If I don’t, then surely l can sit next to John and advise him that he’s using the wrong float, wrong bait etc.

Did you recognise any of the noxious fishermen we’ve mentioned? Well, l must finish this article as I’ve got to get ready for fishing tomorrow. l must try and be up in time. Still, John doesn’t mind waiting. That reminds me, I haven’t any bait. John won’t mind if I pinch some of his. l hope l get that nice swim. If I don’t, then surely l can sit next to John and advise him that he’s using the wrong float, wrong bait etc.

Noxious Fishermen, they get right up my nose.

Coarse Fishing

About the Author

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Fishingmag.co.nz website editor.

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